Missing Person Alert

Dear readers and followers...

Tue, 07 May 2013 18:03:34 -0400

Since my last “personal” post in December, I have had major surgery to remove my gall bladder and large parts of my pancreas, small intestine, and stomach. I have been diagnosed with stage II pancreatic cancer, and just finished a 7-week cycle of chemo last week. I will probably start a 5-week cycle of radiation next month, maybe more chemo, I don’t know. I have a CaT scan scheduled for later this month to see the status of my cancer.

Although a horribly deadly disease with a poor prognosis, so far I’m in the lucky monority of 5% doing well.
Well enough to want to get back to posting on this blog, and I hope to round up some more helpful info on NPD and other “Missing Person” disorders and abuse issues.

Thank you all for hanging in these last several months.. I appreciate your understanding, and hope to make the wait worth your while.

Sincerely,
Your grateful Blogmaster, “M”

No One is Immune to Falling Victim to a Narcissistic Sociopath…the first time. | Paula's Pontifications

Tue, 07 May 2013 17:32:20 -0400

No One is Immune to Falling Victim to a Narcissistic Sociopath…the first time. | Paula's Pontifications:

Encouraging article on getting involved with a narcissist, and beautifully articulated description of how they “get” their victims. No shame in getting caught in the trap… they’re equal opportunity predators and masters of the game. Enjoy!

Dear Followers and Readers

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 15:23:00 -0500

There have been some major developments in my personal life since June, 2012, which is why my posting ground to a halt for 6 months.

On July 5th, 2012 I had a complete emotional breakdown. I checked myself in a psychiatric facility and spent 4 days there. I left with a Prozac prescription for clinical depression. Emotionally, I’m feeling much, much better now. ;)

On December 6th, 2012 my husband took me to the ER for abdominal pain. I was diagnosed with pancreatitis and referred to a specialist (gastroenterologist) for more testing.

I have a pancreatic cyst and have been scheduled for an abdominal MRI (12/17), an endoscopy and endoscopic ultrasound (12/26), and a colonoscopy (1/9).

At this point, diagnosis seems to be between chronic pancreatitis or pancreatic cancer, neither of which is good.

Here are some links to medical pages that either are or could be relevant to my health issues, in case you have the time and interest to read them:

Abdominal MRI scan

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003796.htm

Chronic pancreatitis

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000221.htm
(see also pancreatic pseudocyst)

Pancreatic carcinoma (cancer)

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000236.htm

I HOPE TO SURVIVE THIS, AND LIVE A FULL AND LONG LIFE. EVEN SO, IT SEEMED A GOOD IDEA TO TIE SOME LOOSE ENDS TOGETHER.

To this end, I also posted a brief will, testament, and wishes for those near and dear to witnesss:

LOOSE ENDS
http://mybeautifullifemosaic.tumblr.com/post/37718565897/loose-ends

Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching the last 6 months, especially this month. Whatever the outcome of my medical tests, at this point in time I feel I am in a state of acceptance of either diagnosis. I hope to stay in this state, even in the worst case scenario :)

Having said that, I want to share a little more of myself with you. These are links to some (not all) of my personal blogs that I invite you to visit, and follow, if you feel so inclined.

MY 6TH DECADE (collage)
http://my6thdecade.tumblr.com

My 6th Decade is a collage of my life journey - where I’ve been, where I am, where I want to go. In it I hope to share the mosaic of my life, broken pieces and all, with honesty, clarity, and integrity. I recently entered the second half of my 6th decade. I don’t know how many more decades I’ll have in this life, if any. So now is the time to share something of value with humanity. Perhaps by doing so, I can finally move from “a life, well…lived” to “a Life, Well Lived.”

MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE MOSAIC (personal)
http://mybeautifullifemosaic.tumblr.com

“All the broken pieces of your life are nothing more than the beautifulmosaic of your future.” (Retha McPherson)

Broken pieces of my life. Many there are, perhaps many more to come. I hope not. But if there are more broken pieces to come, I do hope that all the pieces will one day form a beautiful life mosaic, reflecting who I am, who I want to become, who I have become. Perhaps sharing my life journey will refine and complete that beautiful life mosaic.

Like shards of broken glass, my life has been characterized by loss, breakage, damage - lost hopes, broken dreams, damage to my soul. But I’m a survivor. I’m still standing. Hopefully long enough to pass my life experience on to someone who may need to know it, may want to learn from it, perhaps “learn smart, not hard” from it. Maybe even feel encouraged in some way.

STEPS TO WHOLENESS (spiritual)
http://steps2wholeness.tumblr.com

INSPIRING HEARTS, FEEDING SOULS ON THE GREAT RIVER OF LIFE — An eclectic path toward Wholeness, exploring various Beliefs, Faiths and Spiritual Disciplines, including the Great Faiths of the World (Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism), New Age Thought, Philosophy and Everything in Between.

We’re all in the same boat, so let’s ride together along the GREAT RIVER OF LIFE, remembering to enjoy the view along the way, as we clear away the debris.

You are also welcome to view my Facebook posts.

At this time I only accept friend requests from people I know; however, this is a public page and all are invited and welcome to view my posts.

I thank you all for taking the time to read my posts. I hope they clarify and/or improve your lives in even a small way.

In light of these developments, I don’t know how my posts on this blog will look from now on, or for how long I’ll be posting, but they may have a more personal, rather than just informational, tone. In any case, if I’m not posting on this blog, I’ll be posting on the others, as well as facebook.

My only prayer today is that I live long enough to complete the mission I was sent by God to fulfill in His Time, whether that be weeks, months, or years. THY WILL BE DONE.

Thank you again. God bless and keep you all in His Good Care.

CSA- Personality Disorders: Unchosen Relationships

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 18:09:36 -0400

Unchosen Relationships

Unchosen relationships are relationships with family members who suffer from personality disorders.

Unchosen is a term used to describe those of us who did not choose their relationship to a person with a personality disorder. Some of us have parents with this disorder; others have a sibling, in-laws, or other familial relationships. We did not choose this relationship the same way a person chooses a relationship to a partner with or a friend with a personality disorder.

For instance: someone who grew up with a personality disordered parent will have had a vastly different struggle than someone who had a relatively normal childhood, but ended up with a disordered partner. That doesn’t mean the “Unchosen” person’s pain is any greater or any less than the “Chosen” person’s pain, but very often, the abuse and inappropriate behaviors modeled during his or her formative years will have deeply affected the Unchosen Non child’s core sense of being (and well-being), and may have long-lasting impacts on trust, self-esteem and the ability to form or maintain healthy relationships in adulthood.

When the personality disordered individual is a child, the pain and disruption is experienced by the entire family. Adults feel responsible, trapped, frustrated and depressed. Non-personality-disordered siblings feel fearful and neglected as their parents focus on the problems created by the disordered individual.

The Unchosen Relationship

To be in an unchosen relationship is difficult and often traumatizing. We are told repeatedly by society and well-meaning people that we “must,” “should,” “have to” (fill in the blank) because they - the personality disordered - are family.

We are often asked to overlook continued abuses because the person is ill. In other instances we are expected to “be the bigger person” and stuff our emotions so as not to upset the ill family member. We are asked to parent our parent while still trying to have a life of our own.

People who haven’t been where we have been truly have no idea what we live with. Some of us are constantly torn between trying to protect and heal ourselves and trying to have some sort of relationship with our families, however dysfunctional they may be. Others have decided that they no longer want a relationship with the ill family member. Many of us have been subjected to a lifetime of emotional, verbal, physical, and sometimes sexual abuse. These abuses do not disappear just because time has passed or because we are adults. Sometimes the worst scars cannot be seen.

In this section, you may see terms like NC (no contact) or LC (limited contact). Many people choose one or the other, or drift back and forth between them trying to find a balance with which they are comfortable. Some choose to try and tolerate what they can, when they can, knowing they are unable to completely remove themselves from a parent or other relative. Understand that what works for one simply does not work for everyone.

Everyone who comes to the Out of the FOG web site is at a different stage in their relationship and their personal journey. Here, we try to respect those differences and exercise patience and tolerance. Sometimes we learn the most about ourselves by reaching out to others in similar situations.

An Unchosen Perspective on Boundaries

It can be difficult to maintain or define boundaries when you are involved in a familial or otherwise unchosen relationship. Often, we are taught as children “not to make waves” or to “just get along;” that is, to not assert or define our own boundaries. As children we want to please our disordered parent and get along with a disordered sibling or relative; however, a personality disordered individual lacks appropriate personal boundaries of their own. This can result in inappropriate affectionate gestures and lack of personal privacy for the child.

When our own personal boundaries are routinely broken, the message we learn is that our own needs and feelings don’t count - we are required to accept how others treat us without question. As we grow into adults, these lessons can become our way of life. We often feel taken advantage of, feel used or feel that our desires are unimportant. We become frustrated and angry that our boundaries are violated yet we are unable to express what, exactly, our boundaries are.

Constant yielding to a parent, sibling or relative becomes second nature. We lose our own sense of self and often find ourselves in unhappy relationships, jobs and life situations. The early lessons - that our feelings, views and opinions don’t count - continue to dominate our lives, sometimes subconsciously.

This can result in poor life choices, from entering into careers or occupations that are a poor fit for us, to marrying the person we “should” rather than the person we love. The yielding to others we were taught as children can spill over into every relationship we have as adults. The consequences can be disastrous and painful. It sometimes feels as if we are living someone else’s life.

Learning to enforce boundaries takes practice and patience. Yet it can be done - and lead us to a healthier, happier life. You can read some more ideas on setting healthy boundaries in our boundaries section.

Types of Unchosen Relationships

There are distinct categories of non-personality-disordered individuals who call themselves “Unchosen”:

Children of abusive parents

Children of abusive mothers

Children of abusive fathers

Children abused by their siblings

Parents of children who hurt themselves and others

Children forced to live in an environment where someone else is abused.

Support for Unchosen’s

There is a section of our Support Forum dedicated to supporting people who find themselves in Unchosen Relationships - relationships with family members, parents, siblings who suffer from personality disorders.

Click here for more recommended Links for those in Unchosen Relationships or browse our Books for Unchosen’s

CSA- Personality Disorders: Chosen Relationships

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 18:06:57 -0400

Chosen Relationships

Are you in a relationship with someone whom you suspect may have a personality disorder?

If the answer is “yes” then you are a “Chosen” and you’ve come to the right place!

Chosen Relationships is the term that we use to describe those of us who are in a marriage, partnership or romantic relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. We call these relationships “chosen” relationships because they are relationships which we choose (or at one time chose) to participate in and to distinguish them from family relationships which are known as “unchosen relationships”.

Chosen relationships with an individual who suffers from a personality disorder presents its own unique challenges and issues. There are no two people who are identical - therefore there are no two relationships that are identical. However, there are some common problems and situations that most “Chosen’s” find themselves dealing with.

Staying Committed to someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

Separating or Divorcing someone who suffers from a personality disorder

More than any other section here, “Chosen Relationships” is a potpourri. We have people in friendships, dating situations, and marriages. Many people are committed, some aren’t sure, and others are on the brink of separation.

We are all here to support each other and we try to refrain from telling people to “RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!” We understand the hurt and we understand that everyone needs to choose their own path.

It’s a delicate balance, as most of us are so used to being patient and trying to change something about ourselves to try to bring about the change we want to see in others. Part of getting through these situations is discovering that our situation is not as unusual as we may think it is, discovering that others have faced similar struggles and recognizing our own anger and our need to Work on Ourselves rather than just trying to change our partners.

The Chosen Relationship

To be in an unchosen relationship can be a frightening and frustrating experience.

We are the husbands who drive home from work afraid of what awaits us when we get home.

We are the wives who dare not make any friends without asking first for approval from our partner.

We are the boyfriends who have been cheated on and told it was our fault.

We are the girlfriends who are frightened of our partners but are afraid to leave because we fear what will happen to us after we do.

We are the fathers whose children are verbally harassed by our wives.

We are the mothers whose husbands are addicted.

We are the healers, the fixers, the debt payers, the rebuilders, those who hope against hope. We are the loyal, long suffering silent ones who try to hold things together while our partner behaves destructively.

We are lonely from inside a relationship.

We have put off taking care of ourselves because of the overwhelming “needs” or demands of our partners. We live in a FOG - full of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

People on the outside of our relationships often have no idea what we live with. Some of us are constantly torn between trying to protect and heal ourselves, and trying to take care of a demanding partner. Others have decided that they no longer want a relationship but don’t know how to protect themselves on the way out. So many of us have been subjected to years of emotional, verbal, physical and sometimes sexual abuse. Sometimes, the worst scars cannot be seen.

The Wall of Silence

It’s very common for those of us who find ourselves in Chosen relationships to construct an invisible wall of silence. It’s a wall that tries to hide from the outside world the embarrassing truths about what is going on in our lives behind closed doors.

Our society does not encourage us to be forthcoming about the situations we may find ourselves in. To be a social success we sometimes think that we need to be successful in the world of personal relationships.

We sometimes fear that any sign of failure in our marriage or partnership could be interpreted as a sign of weakness.

Some of us fear to leave our abusive partners because of what others - friends, family, neighbors, churchgoers, might think.

Some of us are afraid to speak out about what is wrong because we don’t believe our partner will really change and instead we think we will just make matters worse.

And we hide it behind a wall of silence.

Support for Chosen’s

Everyone who comes to Out of the FOG is at a different stage in their relationship and their personal journey. Here, we try to respect those differences and exercise patience and tolerance. Sometimes we learn the most about ourselves by reaching out to others in similar situations.

There is a section of our Support Forum dedicated to supporting people who find themselves in Chosen Relationships - relationships with spouses, partners and significant others who suffer from personality disorders.

Click here for more recommended Links for those in Chosen Relationships or browse our Books for Chosen’s

NPD: Narcissistic Tools

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 08:40:46 -0400

The tools of the narcissist

The narcissist uses five main tools. These are gifts, affection, withdrawal, threats and violence and in exactly this order.

Gifts: Gifts can be used in two ways. They can either be a symbol of submission or a symbol of demand. Free people generally do not give gifts because they have what they want and do not want to submit nor demand. The communication between the victim and the narcissist is based upon gifts. The narcissist gives gifts in order to make the victim depended. The victim in return accepts these gifts and returns far greater gifts in order to accept this submission. The altruist on the other hand simply helps but does not give gifts either. So if your relationship starts off with gifts (not to be confused with support), that is a bad sign. Think about children. Most of the time, they make deals with each other. If a child gives a gift it is because the child doesn’t like the item any longer.

Affection: The narcissist very early on claims soul mate ship, ultimate love. Everything seems incredible and unbelievable - a dream come true. Free people might show each other affection but generally feel comfortable with themselves. They might enjoy the company of someone but will stay focused on their own interests. The victim is needy (co-dependent) due to some childhood abuse. The narcissist is not needy in terms of affection but admiration within the group where the narcissist keeps his or her spider-web. However, the narcissist gives this affection in order to draw the victim into this spider web. This is a difficult time for the narcissist because the narcissist cannot be intimate. Hence, intimacy is replaced by sex.

Withdrawal: Once the victim’s dependency is re-directed onto the narcissist, the narcissist begins to withdraw. Step by step the supposed closeness is disappearing. The victim experiences this as a great loss and the narcissist finds him or herself on a high. The narcissist thinks something like: “I don’t have to give gifts, I don’t have to show affection, and yet I am being admired.”

Threats: The victim who remains needy is in shock that no affection is shown to him or her by the narcissist and starts to withdraw him- herself. Now the narcissist starts to panic because the admiration seems to be diminishing and (s)he starts to threaten the victim. These threats are of the kind: “You are a liar. You said you loved me but now you obviously don’t.” Now, the narcissist resorts back to the first tools including gifts and sex and threatens that they will be withheld. Strangely enough, this has already happened but the narcissist will try to convince the victim that all is as it always used to be. In this sense these threats are imaginary only.

Violence: At one point the narcissist will fail to convince the victim any longer by means of persuasion and changed perception. Now the narcissist will resort to violence. This is the stage when abuse in the common sense takes place. This includes locking out the victim, tearing up photographs, destroying personal belongings in front of the victim, hitting the victim, demanding abusive sexual favors from the victim, punching, kicking, spitting, withholding finances, bad mouthing, threatening to kill, introducing an ex-partner or other sexual partners, using courts and ultimately shared children.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

NPD and Misconceptions

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 08:32:48 -0400

Misconceptions about the Narcissist

There is much written about the narcissist on the internet and, so I believe, much of it is wrong.

There is the opinion that the narcissist needs narcissistic supply. Well, this is quite possibly the fact which is most wrong.

What the narcissist needs most, is support and that is mostly on a material level. So, if you notice that you end up helping a partner constantly and that nothing or little comes back in return, well this is the most important symptom and can be recognized easily as well. If you feel, you are stretching your resources financially and physically, this ought to be the most important alarm sign.

The narcissist, is simply a person who cannot do much for him/herself and expects others to run around for him or her. This fact coincides with the knowledge that narcissists are generally people who have been spoiled as children and expect this pattern to continue. The idea that narcissists are abused children, appears wrong when looked at it from a cognitive point of view. An abused child knows that (s)he cannot demand. It is not even a concept (s)he has been able to form. Only a spoilt child develops the concept that (s)he can demand. An abused child might turn into a fighter or psychopath but not into a narcissist.

Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive support from a support network. In fact, it is part of the psychological description of a narcissist: Not to be self-sufficient.

Well, as can be imagined, this support network is shrinking in time, and the answer appears to be more and more to find a partner who can be made believe that because of love (s)he has to do everything for the narcissist. (The parents of a narcissist would be just too happy if the narcissist found a new partner because it takes the strain away from the parents the narcissist puts on them). Of course, children are one other support for the narcissist and hence, a narcissist might want to cling on to a child or even a grand child. (This is actually quite an archaic thing, to expect children to help a parent in old age and hence it is deep seated in our psyche.) Narcissists are ruthless when it comes to obtaining resources.

There is this big question: Why is the beginning of narcissistic relationship so grand? This again, is actually - well in hindsight - an easy question. The beginning is just as grand as you make it, because you do most of the running around. The sex life is as good, as you are. The fun is as much fun as you are. The conversations are just as good as you can be. It is all centered around you, and the narcissist just watches and goes along with everything.

This is unfortunately very dangerous. Not only that you burn yourself out, but because you are so much in the center, the narcissist prepares you for the emotional attacks later. This is why you end up doubting yourself, because there seems to have been an element of narcissistic behavior on your side at the beginning. This is of the kind: It was all me, hence it was all for myself. Quite some tricky logic, but it works.

Why is it that you love the narcissist so much? Again, in hindsight, this is an easy question and has some almost sinister answer to it. The narcissist reflects you back to yourself and you actually love this reflection which is your own. So, this brings now the biggest confusion about: In the classical sense, you are actually turning into a narcissist (loving your reflection) but in the psychological sense the other person is the narcissist and you are the victim.

Another twist: Because, the narcissist has been reflecting you back to yourself, you are ready for manipulation. Everything the narcissist says seems to have become your self-reflection and that is when all turns crazy. Who is who - am I me or am I this reflection.

Are there any successful narcissists out there? Well, as mentioned, the narcissist is as successful as the support network. There might be some strange cases where the support system stays with the narcissist, but this must surely be the exception. Hence, it is much more likely, that the narcissist will end up in ruins - emotionally, physically and materially. Step by step, their world falls apart. If the so called Sam Vaknin is a narcissist, then he is only successful because of the network around him. However, it appears to me that he is just a very good business man now and a lame cult leader who keeps regurgitating his own nonsense.

Does the narcissist want you to be weak and destroyed? This is a good question and the answer is not quite that simple: Ideally, you are supposed to run around for the narcissist. You cannot do this, if you are too weak. This is the reason why the narcissist cannot stand it when you are ill. If you are too ill, the narcissist will run away. The narcissist will certainly not help you under such circumstances. The narcissist does not want you to be too strong either, because then you would run away instead of running around the narcissist. So, the narcissist tries to keep the balance. When the narcissist thinks you are too strong, you get bashed, and if the narcissist thinks you are too weak, the narcissist withdraws.

Is there some good advice: Yes: Love yourself and not your reflection. And: There are a lot of nice people out there. Don’t accept just any nasty piece of work because (s)he might be the only one you’ll ever find.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Sex and the Narcissist [TW]

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 08:10:00 -0400

The Sexual Relationship with a Narcissist

The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him.

Intimacy does not exist and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted.

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner and sometimes children. Here is a list of SOME of these abusive behaviors (these are not true in all cases; nor do ALL have to be present for it to be NPD):

* You are prohibited from masturbating or feel good about your own body under the threat of punishment

* You are being made to watch porn although you don’t want to

* You are not allowed any sexual gratification yourself

* The narcissist pretends to be sexual (desirous) for you but is after her/ his gratification only

* Your sexual past is being torn apart or made fun of

* You are being told that all you want is sex (although you know this is not the case, however sex is central to the narcissist)

* The narcissist instigates sex (like telling you erotic things and sending you pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides last minute that nothing is to take place; or simply demands abusive sex

* The narcissist abuses you while you are asleep (sleep rape)

* You are being raped (coerced verbally or emotionally - includes “I love you”) on a regular basis

* You are feeling humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated

* The narcissist finds it funny when you get hurt and enjoys it when you get hurt, this can be physically or emotionally

* The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game

* The narcissist demands prolonged sex way above the limit you can handle nor want to

* The narcissist tells you that you want to have sexual relations with everybody — although the narcissist has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be infidel

* You are being told off for the fact that you were flirting with someone although you are not flirting at all

* The narcissist makes fun of your sexuality in front of others (e.g. you have a small penis or small breasts)

* The narcissist demands sex when you make it clear that you don’t want to

* The narcissist has to try out everything possible

* The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and dresses inappropriately at home and or elsewhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

There is another form of sexual abuse with Narcissists (and other Pathologicals). In fact, so I believe, it is the most common one, and hence it took me so long to get it. This form of abuse comes in four stages:

* Firstly, the victim will be forced to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.

* Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.

* Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically, so that the victim is in constant sexual need. (Sexual Hyperarousal)

* Fourthly, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim, who is (sexually) dependent on the perpetrator, can be humiliated, manipulated and used.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Narcissist: Many Faces, Many Mirrors

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 07:58:00 -0400

The Many Faces of a Narcissist

Narcissists project different images on different mirrors.

This is partly because any particular acting job may draw a favorable response from one mirror and an unfavorable response from another. For example, liberal-bashing produces a gratifying reflection in a right-wing mirror, while conservative-bashing produces a gratifying reflection in a left-wing mirror. A goody-two-shoes act looks holy in the eyes of religious hypocrites and the pharisaic, while it looks disgusting in the eyes of true believers and atheists.

Another reason why the narcissist projects different images on different mirrors is because he doesn’t dare project the most gratifying image of all — the one his ego gets the biggest boost from — on most mirrors. Moreover, like any set of tools, the different people in his world are useful for different purposes.

So, for example, he exploits a powerful, wealthy, sophisticated, or famous person as a source of Narcissistic Supply in a much different way than he exploits the poor or down-and-out. This is only partly because he doesn’t dare treat the former as he treats the latter. It’s also partly because the flavor of Narcissistic Supply he can extract from the former is the rare and precious “nectar of the gods.” So, he drops their names; he brown-noses and sucks-up to them; he shamelessly, even obsequiously, flatters them and courts their favor; no matter what they do, he finds no fault with them, considering them infallible and above reproach. All to aggrandize himself by association with them.

And so, a narcissist doesn’t have two faces, he has multiple faces. Faces he can change as suddenly as a mask. Faces so different they seem like multiple personalities. Each is but his way of exploiting a particular source of Narcissistic Supply.

So, for example, he projects a different image of himself in a church than in a bar. Again for example, the reflection he wants from his co-workers is radically different than the reflection he wants from his spouse and children.

by Kathy Krajco

Connexions: "Alcoholism, Narcissism, and Psychopathology"

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 19:28:08 -0400

“Shunning the disease model of alcoholism, this book delineates how narcissistic injury in early life acts as the basic psychogenic, etiological, component of addictive drinking. It provides an innovative analysis of the interrelationships between the alcoholic’s overt behavioral disorders and his or her psychological make_up. Early chapters explore the role of narcissistic injury in great depth. Successive discussions examine the pathologies of character, personality, behavior, cognition and interpersonal relationships that manifest themselves in and as alcoholism. The part that early-life narcissistic injury plays in the development of anxiety, oral rage, avoidance defenses, depression, sadomasochism, paranoia, guilt, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors is detailed.

A veteran of extensive work with alcoholics, the author delineates treatment strategies to modify and resolve the alcoholic’s symptoms_the drinking disorder as well as the other psychological manifestations of dysfunction. Among the strategies explored in this regard are analytic, family, conjoint, behavioral, confrontation, supportive and self-help modalities. The trenchant case studies found throughout the text amplify the author’s points about the global and specific psychopathology of alcoholism as well as the interventive alternatives.

Alcoholism, Narcissism, and Psychopathology will prove stimulating and resourceful to psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, counselors and therapists who are involved in the treatment and rehabilitation of alcoholics and other substance abusers.”

"Run to our friends. Go. See what that will get you. Ridicule. People believe what they see and what..."

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 14:13:15 -0400

“Run to our friends. Go. See what that will get you. Ridicule. People believe what they see and what they see is the same wonderful me that you also saw and still do. What they also see is the very mixed up person that you have obviously become. The more you plead for understanding, the more convinced they are that the crazy one is you, the more isolated you feel, and the harder you try to make things right again, not by changing me but by accepting my criticisms and by striving to improve yourself. Could it be that you were wrong about me in the beginning? So wrong as that? How do you think our friends will react if you insist that they are also wrong about me? After all, they know that it really is you who have thwarted my progress, tainted my reputation, and thrown me off course.”

- Malignant Self Love

Food for Thought on NPD: Spilling the Beans

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 13:52:00 -0400

Who Has the Right to Know (and Judge)?

If you believe a partner, loved one, or family member is a narcissist, or if a professional has told you he believes this to be the case, you may be tempted to inform the narcissist about her condition. However, because of their denial system, narcissists believe they are not to blame for anything. They usually don’t believe they have the problem. You would want to try to explain the condition to her without accusation or blame.

Should I tell someone I am in a relationship with that she is probably a narcissist? Psychologists generally do not like to tell people what to do, and feel it is better that people decide on their own what to do about problems in their lives and be comfortable with those decisions. But what therapists usually will do when confronted with this question is to point out the pros and cons of telling a person she may be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder and what effects that revelation may have on her.

Adult Children

Sometimes in the course of therapy an adult child discovers that the terrible behaviors he had to endure from his parents during childhood may have been due to a parent with NPD, and may have also caused his own struggles with narcissism. He may then have an overwhelming desire to confront the parent who caused him so much pain. The adult may feel justified in telling his parents that there is something psychologically wrong with them. But therapists advise caution before taking such action. They say to examine your reasons as to why you feel the need to confront a narcissistic mother or father. If you think that this parent will suddenly be filled with remorse for the pain caused and beg your forgiveness, this is unlikely.

Dealing with Varied Reactions

We all know people who rush to judge others—usually negatively rather than positively. And that can happen when speaking about a narcissist in your life to some of your friends or relatives. They may not understand how complex your situation is. They may not understand your decisions about yourself and/or your children. Sometimes the narcissist has made such an outwardly wonderful impression on friends that if you decide to tell them about his narcissism, they can find it difficult to believe. And this can reinforce your own feelings that everything is really your fault and you are just being overly sensitive. In some cultures and social circles, a woman attempting to confide to friends about a potential narcissistic partner or boyfriend may receive responses such as “All men are dogs,” “Just let him grow up,” “Just give him time,” or, “You have to be joking, no way, he’s so charming and special.” It often happens that with a circle of friends there is disbelief about a spouse, or boyfriend or girlfriend, with severe problems because the narcissist on the outside has done a great job of fooling everybody. Narcissists are masters of deception and illusion. Assumptions and unfair judgments that people may make are just that—unfair. Set your boundaries about what you feel comfortable sharing or disclosing. It is your personal and private life.

Sharing with Friends and Family

Generally, when it comes to relatives and narcissism, only your partner, your spouse, and household or immediate family members need share in your experiences and explanations. For others—friends, business associates, acquaintances—you can choose to say as little as you want to without lying. You do not need to divulge personal information to anyone who may be nosy or prying. If you use a friendly tone of voice and tactfully change the subject, you would never be considered rude.

A disorder or addiction that is kept a household family secret usually makes for uncomfortable family gatherings. Sometimes opening up with other family members or close friends can be a more peaceful relief of some of the tensions. Sharing painful secrets with an honest openness can often touch on others’ compassion and bring on their support and sharing of their own challenges.

Coping with Abuse

If your significant other or spouse has been abusive and you have decided to leave, you might consider telling your family first, then your close friends, and then your employer. If you feel your safety is at risk, you may want your family and close friends to know so that they might come to your aid, should it be needed. If you feel the narcissist may cause you problems at work, you may want to tell your employer that you have ended an abusive relationship. However, do realize that it may not be possible to keep the narcissist away without a legal document like a restraining order, particularly if you work in an industry that is open to the public, such as a restaurant or a retail store. If you feel that your safety is in danger, investigate getting a legal restraining order with your local police department or courthouse.

Any therapist will have your strict confidence in whatever it is you tell them. You might consider right away looking into either individual or group therapy where you can begin to get things out of your system. This is the objective and helpful place to talk things out and express how it all was and is; to get the right kind of professional advice and help to gain strengths; and to make decisions about how to handle your relationship with the narcissist. In a group setting, you can be face to face with others who share similar situations and hear how they deal with their situations.

Narcissists are abusive emotionally, mentally, and socially. If there is physical abuse, call an abuse hotline and get advice on how to proceed and learn your options. One such number is 1-800-799-SAFE. If you have been battered, there are always women’s support groups and shelters where women of every background and age share similar painful stories. At the first sign of abuse, ask for help. You are not helping your narcissist by staying silent, and your life could be at risk.

Goodman M.eD, Cynthia Lechan; Leff LCSW, Barbara (2011-11-15). The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Professional, reassuring advice for coping with the disorder - at work, at home, and in your family (Everything Series) (p. 100). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

"TRUST YOUR GUT FEELINGS. There may not be a way to explain it, but when it comes to narcissists, you..."

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 08:41:47 -0400

“TRUST YOUR GUT FEELINGS. There may not be a way to explain it, but when it comes to narcissists, you just may know one when you see one. You probably will feel uneasy in the presence of a narcissist for no apparent reason. Do you ever have this experience when you meet someone, and no matter how charming, intelligent, thought-provoking, or charismatic he seems, some little bell goes off that tells you something is wrong? What you might be instinctively recognizing is the narcissist’s inability to really care about you.”

“A Good Mother Loves Her Children Unconditionally, No Matter What.” By Sam...

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 08:30:02 -0400

“A Good Mother Loves Her Children Unconditionally, No Matter What.”

By Sam Vaknin
Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited”

But what about narcissistic or psychopathic children, children suffering from conduct disorder, or oppositional defiant disorder)?

Donovan, 16 years old, is incapable of loving and, therefore, has never loved you, his mother (or, for that matter, anyone else, himself included) in his entire life. His natural capacity to love and to return love was all but eliminated by his horrid childhood. We practice loving first and foremost through our parents. If they fail us, if they turn out to be unpredictable, capricious, violent, unjust – this capacity is stunted forever. This is what happened to Donovan: the ideal figures of his childhood proved to be much less than ideal. Abuse is a very poor ground to breed healthy emotions in.

Granted, Donovan – being the brilliant and manipulative person that he is – knows how to perfectly simulate and emulate LOVE. He acts lovingly – but this is a mere act and it should not be confused with the real thing. Donovan shows love in order to achieve goals: money, a warm house, food on the table, adoration (Narcissistic Supply). Once these are available from other sources – the former ones are abandoned callously, cold-heartedly, cruelly and abruptly.

You have been such a temporary stopover for Donovan, the equivalent of a full board hotel (no chores, no requirements on his time). Not only was he able to secure his material needs from you – he also found in you a perfect Source of Narcissistic Supply: adoring, submissive, non-critical, wide-eyed, approving, admiring, the perfect narcissistic fix.

You describe a very disturbed young man with a clear NPD. He values intelligence above all, he uses foul language to vent his aggression (the narcissist resents his dependence on his Sources of Supply). The narcissist knows it all and best, is judgemental (without merit), hates all people (though he calls upon them if he needs something – he is never above exploiting and manipulation). When not in need, he does not contact his “friends”, not even his “girlfriend”. After all, emotions (“sensitivity”) are a deplorable weakness.

In the pursuit of narcissistic gratification, there is no place for hesitation or pause. You put it succinctly: he will do nothing for others, nothing matters to him if it is not for himself. As a result, he lets people down and refrains almost religiously from keeping promises and obligations.

The narcissist is above such mundane things as obligations undertaken. They counter his conviction that he is above any law – social or other, and this threatens his grandiosity.

The narcissist, being above reproach (Who is qualified to judge him, to teach him, to advise him?), inevitably reverts to blaming others for his misdeeds: they should have warned/reminded/alerted him. For instance: they should have woke him up if they desired his precious company and wanted him to keep a date.

The narcissist is above normal humans and their daily chores: he doesn’t think that he needs to attend classes (that others do. This is the unspoken continuation of this sentence). Other people should do so because they are inferior (stupid). This is the natural order of things – read Nietzsche. Most narcissists are predictable and, therefore, boring.

To love a narcissist is to love a reflection, not a real figure. Donovan is the most basic, primitive type: the somatic (or anal) narcissist, whose disorder is centred around his body, his skin, his hair, his dress, his food, his health. Some of these preoccupations attain a phobic aura (“freaky with germs”) and that is a bad sign.

Hypochondriasis could be the next mental step. But Donovan is in great danger. He should seek help immediately. His NPD – as is usually the case – has been and is still being compounded by other, more serious disorders. He is led down a path of no return. Donovan is constantly depressed. Maybe he has had few major depressive episodes but he is distinctly dysphoric (sad) and anhedonic (hates the world and finds pleasure in nothing). He alternates between hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and insomnia (not sleeping for two days). This is one of the surest signs of depression.

Narcissists suffer, by their nature, from an undulating sense of self-worth and from all-pervasive feelings of guilt and recrimination. They punish themselves: they dress in ragged clothes contrary to their primary predilections and they direct their pent up aggression at themselves. The result is depression.

Donovan also seems to suffer from a schizoid personality. These people prefer to stay and work in their rooms, in solitary confinement, chained to their computers and books – to any social encounter or diversion. They rarely possess sufficient trust in others and the requisite emotional baggage to develop stable interpersonal relationships. They are miserable failures at communicating and confine their interactions to first degree relatives.

The total picture is that of a young person suffering from a Borderline Personality Disorder with strong narcissistic and schizoid hues. His reckless and self-destructive spending and his eating irregularities point in this direction. So does the inappropriate affect (for instance, smiling while pretending to shoot people). Donovan is a menace above all to himself.

Borderline patients entertain suicide thoughts (they have suicidal ideation) and tend finally to act upon them. This aggression can perhaps be directed elsewhere and result in catastrophic consequences. But, at best, Donovan will continue to make people around him miserable.

Treatment – psychoanalysis and other psychodynamic therapies included – is not very effective. My advice to you is to immediately stop your “unconditional love”. Narcissists sense blood where others see only love and altruism. If – for masochistic reasons – you still wish to engage this young person, my advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do – these are my conditions. And if he says that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore – count your blessings and let go.

THE MAKING OF A NARCISSIST. FORTRESS. “…The dirty...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 17:03:00 -0400

THE MAKING OF A NARCISSIST. FORTRESS.

“…The dirty laundry of this family stays at home. Our secrets are ours and no one else’s. Sometimes I imagine us like a fortress and the enemy would kill to learn all kinds of things about us but we are not going to let it, no way. We will protect each other and we will hold them back…

They shouted at me something awful and warned me not to associate with strangers because they are dangerous, this is a fortress and we are in it…

She says that she is proud of me but not to let it go to my head, but there is a change in her attitude towards me, like a new fear, like I am out of the fortress now, unpredictable, from another world and don’t belong.” -Sam Vaknin

The Making of a Narcissist: Fortress

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 16:51:51 -0400

“Mother tells me not to say anything at school about what is happening at home. Nothing is happening at home. Come morning, I wake up from my restless sleep and either I wetted my bed or I didn’t. If I did, mother silently packs off my soaked pajamas and the damp sheets, casting a harsh glance at the black stain that seeps into the bed’s upholstery. The house already reeks and she opens the shutters and lays the linen on the window panes, half out and the dry half in.

I get dressed and brush my teeth. I stare at my feet that are the shape of irons and conceal them, standing on one naked foot and then another, enthralled by their curvaceous obesity. The white paste and my saliva swirl in my mouth and drip on my undershirt in odoriferous stripes. I have bad breath but I don’t know it yet. Nir will tell me and then I will. I frown and pull the polluted garment away, as though I could undress horizontally instead of vertically, hands stretched upwards. It turns dark for a moment and scary so I scream. And this is how I earn today’s first slap. Mother dumps the soiled underthings in the gaping laundry pale. Her eyes are desperate. I am not a successful kid. I am ugly and immature and I have an eggplant nose (“berengena” in Ladino). I rub my hurting cheek and put on the sky blue school uniform shirt and trousers. I don’t know how to tie my shoelaces. Instead of slender butterflies I get knotted caterpillars, bound larva, repulsive insects with two plastic tipped antennas. My mother is taking care of my small sister. I wait patiently. She sighs and places the baby on the bed. She steps towards me and I recoil because I don’t know how mad I made her. I am not sure what it’s going to be this time. Sometimes she just groans and ties the laces with one incisive motion but at other times she pinches me real hard and we are both mum and my blood streams down to her nip until the place acquires shades of black, and blue and deep purple. She doesn’t have to tell me to roll down my sleeves. I do it. The dirty laundry of this family stays at home. Our secrets are ours and no one else’s. Sometimes I imagine us like a fortress and the enemy would kill to learn all kinds of things about us but we are not going to let it, no way. We will protect each other and we will hold them back.

On the days that mother washes the house, I withdraw to a corner and I imagine a mighty army, shooting arrows from all kinds of cracks and casements and I see a hero and he is fighting empty-handed in a variety of martial arts and he wins. Cooped up in an angle, the dirty water churning around me, rivulets of our effluence, revolting strands of hair and nail clippings. Then she spreads a tattered blanket in the tiny balcony and turns on the radio and we listen to the Program for the Mother and Child, Listen now you lovely kids, our program is complete and she brings me a big bowl of fruits and I eat them and feed my sister, too.

When the shoelaces business is over, I turn my back to her and await the heft of my schoolbag and I exit without saying goodbye or so long or anything. She yells after me to be careful how I cross the street, there are cars, and to be wary of children, don’t let them beat you. Once, a stranger lifted me on his shoulders and asked me to read aloud the names on the mailboxes. We went through many buildings, him and me. He told me that he was looking for some family. When I returned home, they shouted at me something awful and warned me not to associate with strangers because they are dangerous, this is a fortress and we are in it. Even our extended family don’t visit. Mother and father don’t like it when they do. They set a table with all kinds of alcoholic drinks and non-alcoholic beverages that we, the children are allowed to consume but mother’s eyes follow everyone to see if they have touched anything and she doesn’t like at all the mess they make, these guests.

I don’t pee at school because the urinals are not clean or something. I don’t remember why, I just know not to pee. Mother tells me not to hold back, it isn’t healthy but I abstain on purpose. I want to pee at home. When I come back, mother doesn’t let me visit the restroom to get sorted out. That’s how we call it, “sorted out”. It’s a word the teacher Mina taught us, she said that it is not nice to pee, better to get sorted out. Mother adores this word and it became compulsory, because we are not allowed to use foul language. So I ask permission to get sorted out and mother takes a broom to me and beats me forcefully on the back and all the neighbors stand at the entrance door and watch and I pee on myself and on the floor is this large yellow puddle in which I stand. Mummy’s broom gets all wet and the neighbors laugh and mother sends me away to change my clothes, perhaps now I will learn not to hold back at school. She takes down my trousers and I am exposed to the jeering crowd, drenched and naked. It isn’t a good day, this one. I read all evening and I read at night and I read during the morning. I read a lot throughout this not so good day.

Mother could have been a famous author or an important actress but instead she had us and did not become one. She became a housewife. There is a lot of sadness and a lot of anger when she tells us that and also how once she appeared in a play as Pook the naughty dwarf and everyone complimented her and urged her to join a professional troupe. She couldn’t do it because she was working in a shoe store on Mount Carmel to support her father and her mother who didn’t love her at all because she was boyish. She wore her hair like a boy and dressed like a boy and was as daring as a boy and she gulped huge quantities of salty soup and three loaves of bread when she came back from work at the shop owned by the Yekkes (German-Jews) whom she admired. When I was born, the radio broadcast the proceedings of the Eichmann trial and she called me “My Little Eichmann” but that was only in jest. These Yekkes with their order and efficiency and table manners and how she studied German and they all admired her in return. And now this: a wailing baby and the dripping bed sheets of her first born (you are not a child anymore!) already six years old and must grow up and her fingernails gouging my veins on the inside of my arm and all my blood rushing towards her and staining and she stares down at her hand, a glimmer in her eyes wide open and I slowly extract my arm from her grasp and she does not resist it. She just sighs and brings some stinging violet iodine and smears it on the lacerations. After some time they scar and all that remain are pale and elongated mother traces.

So now I am reading and am in all my imaginary kingdoms and writing horror poems that mother finds and stashes on a towering cupboard to make me stop it because it’s sick and she doesn’t want to see it again. She tears the books I borrow from the public library and flings them out of the concrete bars that frame our laundry room where we also dine on a tiny wooden table. Through these bars she tears my realms apart and down to the shriveling grass and I leave everything and gallop downstairs because I am afraid that by the time I get to my shredded books someone will abscond with them or the wind will scatter them or the rain. I find them prostrate and wounded and I salve them with my spit to heal them like mother’s purple iodine. I think that maybe my saliva will glue them back thick as it is but they remain the same, only now their torn pages are also damp. Back at home father and I sellotape the ruptured leaves and when I go to the library, I say all kinds of lies or put on an innocent face so that the librarian Shula will not flip through it and see our shoddy handicraft, my father’s and my own, even tough he has golden hands and fixes everything at home. But I keep reading, sometimes five whole books a day. I am completely uninterested in their content. I don’t read even one of them to its end, skip numerous paragraphs, don’t even finish thrillers or mysteries. Just scan the pages, dimly aware of the words and father says to mother when she curses me under her breath, what do you want from him, you don’t understand him at all and who can, he doesn’t belong to us, he is from another planet. I weep when I hear these words, my silent tears, not the cries I give out when I am beaten and not the self-indulgent whimpering and see how ugly you are when you are like that. No, this is a true release between me and my pillow and I feel then how poor they are and how much I should pity them and not the other way around, because I am not from this world and I don’t belong and they have to raise me all the same. Even though they are proud of me because I am a star pupil and give the keynote addresses in all the school and municipal events and declare open and closed all the ceremonies and from a tender age I had the voice of s radio announcer and am a prodigy with a bright future. Mother herself tells me that when we sit around the table and she looks my age she is so young and with a boyish haircut and pink, taut skin on her high cheekbones. She says that she is proud of me but not to let it go to my head, but there is a change in her attitude towards me, like a new fear, like I am out of the fortress now, unpredictable, from another world and don’t belong.

She used to tell us about Gamliel the Sage and his adventures that always had an object lesson with his scrawny and miserable goat and his stupid neighbors that he always tricked and we would beg, mother mother, more and she graciously consented and those were afternoons of magic and I felt no need to read, only to listen to the stories of the Sage and his donkey and his son and his goat and to sip from that sweetened peach-flavored drink she made us.

But then she would say enough and ask who touched the refrigerator and we would say not we but she knew. She always pointed at us and said that we had touched the refrigerator and we know we mustn’t and how her life is being ruined by the need to clean after us and then the beatings, the beatings. All our body.

In the middle of the apartment we have a floor-to-ceiling metal divider. Father welded it together from metal leaves and metal vines and stuck a small aquarium full of teeny fish and water and a plastic diver that gives off bubbles and all kinds of shells and fine ground sand. Every morning, father gets up and spreads smelly aquarium food with callused fingers over the bubble-troubled water, rusty flakes that sink like feathers straight into the gaping jaws of the frenetic fishes. Every week one of them would remain stuck at the bottom or float and the others would snap at it and we know it is dead and it is bloated too. At night, I sleep across from this divider, on the side that mother forbids to enter during the day and the flickering light emitted by the electric all souls candle illuminates the diver and the inky water and his loneliness and the bubbles and everything and I watch it all until I fall asleep. Come morning, the room beyond the divider is off-limits, only mother is scrubbing and carefully dusting the nightly build-up off the expensive Formica furniture. I am the only one who sleeps there at night, facing the television set. Even guests are asked to watch this black-and-white wonder from the outside. Until my bedtime, I sit overlooking them all but don’t take my socks off not to show my feet like irons and I hope not to wet the sheets in front of everyone, anything but that. Mother passes cookies to old Monsieur Yossef from Turkey who talks incessantly. And so I doze off amidst the sounds of the TV and of Monsieur Yossef. I have bad dreams and listen to mother and father arguing I will pack my suitcases and leave you all tomorrow, feel free, mother says, feel free to go. Tomorrow he doesn’t. He gets up at the middle of the night to go to work and before he departs he straightens our blankets and I think that maybe he kisses my cheek or forehead somehow, otherwise how did his stubble scrape me it must have been a kiss.

The next day father brings me books from the library of the Union of Construction Workers in Haifa that I never visit. I do go with him to attend lectures at the Union and I ask the lecturers smart questions and everyone is amazed and so is dad. He inflates the way he always does when he is proud of me. Now in the book he brought me there is a story about a king and clothes and a kid who has the guts to cry even though it is the monarch and everything: “The King is Naked”. I read it a couple of times like I don’t believe that some kid will shout such a thing about the king and what happened to him afterwards, surely he was scratched and pinched at least to death. I contemplate his iron-like feet, petite and rosy when he ascends to the gallows and how his head rolls sprinkling gore all over the crowd but everything is frozen and no one cheers like in the movies about the French revolution. Everyone gapes at this kid’s lips through which he said that the King is Naked. There is something empowering and hopeful in this, as though a goodhearted old fellow with long hair bends over me because he notices that I am small and that I am bleeding profusely from my arms and he gives me this magic spell, this faith.

I open my eyes and I see that mother has a kerchief on her head, like she always wears when she is dusting. She notices my stare but she sings boisterously and I know that I am unnerving her by watching her do her chores. I know that soon she will mete out what a child like me deserves.” - Sam Vaknin

NPD - Levels and Subtypes

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 11:05:00 -0400

LEVELS OF NARCISSISM:

The Craving Narcissist: Despite the typical inflated ego of NPD, craving narcissists are extremely needy and emotionally clingy, or demanding of love and attention of those around them.

The Paranoid Narcissist: Paranoid narcissists are the opposite of craving narcissists. Inwardly the paranoid narcissist is filled with self-loathing and projects that outward, usually driving people away from them with maniacal jealousy and extreme sensitivity to criticism.

The Manipulative Narcissist: This is the type of narcissist that actually enjoys influencing and manipulating others. The manipulative narcissist feeds her need for power by intimidating others, usually through bullying, lies, and manipulation.

The Phallic Narcissist: Those in this group are almost exclusively males. They are not only in love with themselves but also with their body image. The phallic narcissist struts like a rooster. They are aggressive, athletic exhibitionists who enjoy showing off their muscles, clothes, and other aspects of what they perceive as their superior manhood.

MILLON’S SUB-TYPES:

Theodore Millon, an American psychotherapist well known for his groundbreaking work in identifying personality disorders, added these additional subtypes of narcissists:

The Unprincipled Narcissist: This narcissism is characterized by pathological lying and deliberate deception to obtain narcissistic supply. Millon’s unprincipled narcissist is a con man, an abuser, deceptive and unscrupulous.

The Amorous Narcissist: The key feature of amorous narcissism is an obsession with erotica and seduction. A subtype of the manipulative narcissist, the amorous narcissist uses sex and sex appeal as a tool and a weapon for control and power. He does not restrict his perceived power of seduction to members of the opposite sex, but believes his superhuman charisma can influence the same sex as well.

The Compensatory Narcissist: Uses narcissistic supply to compensate for deep and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. According to Millon, the compensatory narcissist “seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth.”

The Elitist Narcissist: Millon’s elitist narcissist has all of the characteristics of the phallic narcissist, but is not exclusively male.

The Fanatic Narcissist: Fanatic narcissists believe they are gods, but are very paranoid. They try to fight very poor self-esteem with extreme delusions of grandeur.

No matter what you call it, narcissism remains very difficult to treat. People who suffer from it in any form rarely seek out or enter therapy on their own.

"The reality is more likely that alcoholism and other addictions, like pot/marijuana, prescriptions..."

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 11:57:00 -0400

“The reality is more likely that alcoholism and other addictions, like pot/marijuana, prescriptions drugs, cocaine, etc, are the result of a personality disorder. Addiction is extremely toxic, and greatly worsens the effects of a personality disorder. But if the substance abuse stops, the underlying personality disorder is still there.”

My Grand Fata Morgana: NPD and the Codependent: Consuming Intoxication

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 11:48:09 -0400

My Grand Fata Morgana: NPD and the Codependent: Consuming Intoxication:

mygrandfatamorgana:

My heart compels me to him / Ah, could I touch and hold him / And kiss him as I wanted / With his kisses I could perish / Oh, could I perish with him / Oh, could I kiss him as I wanted / My peace is gone / My heart is heavy / I can find it never, nevermore / If I cannot have him -Franz…

My Grand Fata Morgana: Are You Involved With A Narcissist?

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 11:46:57 -0400

My Grand Fata Morgana: Are You Involved With A Narcissist?:

mygrandfatamorgana:

Do you frequently feel as if you exist to listen to or admire his or her special talents and sensitivities?

Do you frequently feel hurt or annoyed that you do not get your turn and, if you do, the interest and quality of attention is significantly less than the kind of attention you give?

Do you…